Identity crises

INDIA INDIA INDIA

that [Indian] elephant in the room

that permanent smudge upon my face

The following essay was written for an application that asked: 

What role does India play in how you define your identity?

The word that seems most fitting to describe the role of India in my identity is omnipresent. India has constantly been a part of my identity and thoughts, with the familiarity of perpetually re-reading a book whose ending I’ve forgotten.  I’m constantly aware of its presence, ambiguous and vague as a shadow in the background of my life, yet, I do not think about IT when I go to the store or catch the bus. 

In many ways, India is an identity that is thrust upon me, with people assuming I was born in that far off land of spices and therefore can speak for all South Asians, and assuming I emit a sort of mystical spirituality involving some flamingo-like pose at the top of a mountain. At the same time, I feel entitled to my status as a minority, as a South Asian, and have, in the past, felt robbed of an experience to which I never had access. 

In the past, I’ve often dreaded India, as a nation, culture, and part of my heritage. When visiting relatives in India, I am instantly put to the test; the “Are you Indian enough?” test, which manifests itself as a friendly (but judgmental) interrogation made up of the following queries:

Do you eat Indian food?

Are you vegetarian?

Will you marry the man of your parents' choosing?

Do you possess knowledge of the great Hindu texts?

While I dread such interrogation sessions, I face the same kind of interrogation in the U.S. (i.e. ‘But seriously, where are you REALLY from?’). I feel restricted by essentialized notions of who and what people expect me to be or become. I still long to claim ownership over my Indian heritage. Yet, I become angry if anyone attempts to deny my Midwestern roots. I feel justified, however, in correcting people when they attempt to essentialize Indian culture, or any culture, in fact. At the same time, I feel qualified to only offer the culture I’ve grown up with and experienced, which is but only a small piece of the puzzle that is India. 

One thing is for sure; I am still negotiating my relationship with India as it has changed, evolved, and metamorphosed throughout my life and will continue to do so into the future.

This oscillation between the spectrum of rejection and reclamation explains, to an extent, how India has played a part in my amorphous identity. The rest of my journey of self-identification requires a negotiation of some middle ground between these two extremes and creating my own hybrid identity through my Indian-American experience.  I hope to begin a reclamation of India on my own terms.