DC is an armpit

It really feels like it sometimes. This guy from work told me to look at it more positively, like, as if I am entering a rainforest. But I can't shake the feeling that I need to rub deodorant on everything around me in order to survive the intense suffocating heat. DC is an armpit.

Try these fruit bars. I bought them when I was really hungry in Safeway (along with a whole lotta cornbread, which was also delicious), and it was such great luck that I liked them! I wonder if I could just make my own fruit bars by putting some raspberries in my bag with some mushy carrots and hopping up and down on them. I think they're vegan too! They are also fun for kids because they come in squiggly shapes! I love squiggles. Actually, I just like saying squiggles. That word's gonna be in my head all week now. Like the week I had the words 'sigourney weaver' stuck in my head. Everytime someone asked me how I was doing I just had to scream "SIGOURNEY WEAVER!" Now someone will ask me where I'm from or how much work I've gotten done today and I'll shriek "SQUIGGLIES!!!" at the top of my lungs.

I want a brick pizza oven in my kitchen. That is my one and only vision for the future right now, besides universal health care, seeing military money transferred to social services, education being recognized as a right, and freedom and equality for all.

I will post some fuzzy pictures soon from my camera phone. Yes, the one with a pink jelly cover and Dooney and Bourke keychain with a pink heart on it. What can I say? My uncle has good taste.

I got a bike!

and it's purple! But too bad biking around DC is TERRIFYING.

I shall bike to work everyday.

Also, who knew that the Lincoln statue was not the same thing as the Lincoln Memorial? I told Kabir he lived 4 blocks away from the Lincoln Memorial, when it was actually 22 blocks away from his building. Good thing no one ever trusts my sense of direction. Well, one person did. I told a tourist on the metro who was looking for the Washington Monument to get off at Judiciary Square on the red line, which is actually very far away from it...I figured that while he may curse me at first, he'd thank me later for adding years to his life by power-walking 3 miles to the monument.

I own a misleading and incomplete map of DC. Granted, I tore it out of the back of a Congressional Directory given to me at work (the only time I've ever used it), but still. I finally decided to invest in the inaugural edition map of the DC metro area with Obama' grinning proudly at the part in my hair (which I am sure will be my bald spot soon) at Safeway, where the cashier who rung me up basically said, "HEY YOU'RE NEW TO THIS CITY!", and everyone was like, "DAMN, WOMAN, WHO ISN'T?"

Exactly. My new status as a DC resident will never be a novelty.

The other day, I walked into an elevator in which lingered the effect of 50948730 cans of beans some farty asshole ate. It was the longest 2 flights of my life. Normally I would walk up the stairs, so I believe my lethargy that day was being punished by some higher, divine, gassy being.

Speaking of smelliness, I've been rationing my Altoids, which I bought the first day here, not only because they're mad expensive, but because I always seem to smell like coffee. ALWAYS. I think it's because I always spill some on my clothes. But I found out they have gelatin in them, which grosses me out. It seems kind of counter-intuitive to put horse hooves in your mouth as a breath freshener.

Metro musings

The thing about being short is that on the metro you get a lot of armpits in your face. It doubly sucks if you are claustrophobic. I envision myself vomiting on the tall, pit-stained assholes around me just so they would get the hell away from me.

Yes, so I've made it to DC in one piece (more or less) a little less than 2 weeks ago, and have been working at USAction for about a week now, taking the metro back and forth like another cog in a machine.

Riding the metro gets me thinking about what it would be like to be a giant squid. Or any other deep sea creature. It might be because it's nearly impossible to go against the flow of body traffic just like a current, or the fact that we sway back and forth with the motion of the train like underwater plants. It could also stem from the deep sea episode of Planet Earth I saw this weekend with Becca.

Ok, so that video didn't have anything to do with underwater plants, but man! So cool! Venus fly traps are the weirdest things alive. Also, I kinda feel like that frog on the metro during rush hour.

I also hate how quiet it gets, even when it feels like all of D.C.'s professional population is in your particular car. My inner camp counselor oftentimes thinks about starting a round of "row row row your boat" to boost morning morale, but mostly just to freak people out. I think I would get a kick out of bugging all the grumpy morning people. That might make my day.

One thing that I've come to realize is how easy it is to ignore everything around you, at least as a middle-class, commuting professional in D.C. EVERYONE has a freaking ipod, newspaper, some cheap paperback, knitting project, kindle, blackberry that gets service underground, etc. etc. People are totally lost in their own little worlds.

On the bright side, I get to eat PB and Js again, throwback to grade school. But it might take a while before the proportions are right (a little too much peanut butter). Normally, I would wad up my pb and j into a delicious wonder-bread ball and dunk it repeatedly in a glass of milk. Judge away, haters, I like my soggy food.

While my mind may have stayed put in Mrs. Burke's fourth grade, my body has aged 50 years. I have a FREAKING ULCER. Seriously, folks, my stomach grew rebellious with a diet of frozen boca burgers and red sauce from the jar annihilating my insides. As of now, my stomach is preparing to reject the peanut butter and jelly sandwich i so generously offered to it as a peace offering.
Gotta go.

But before I sign off, good news, I found a place to live! It is glorious.
More on that later.